Jowan's Heart
by ParisWriter
Summary: Jowan's thoughts on how he's always been in love with his best friend, and on the men she has chosen to give her heart to. Written for a contest held by the BioWare Couples group on deviantART.


Author's Note: For the contest being held by the BioWare Couples group on deviantART. The goal of the contest is to create something showing a minor character's reaction to a relationship between any two other characters.

This is probably the only piece I've ever written in first-person, so please be kind and keep that in mind. I'm pretty sure I fixed the few times I had him refer to himself as 'he', but there's always a chance I missed one somewhere.

As the brief description above states, this is a Jowan-centric story and is about his feelings for Varia Surana, as well as her relationships with both Cullen and Alistair. These bits of insight are mixed in along with his perspective about the events which transpired at the Circle tower and led to his escape, as well as his imprisonment at Redcliffe Castle and his fresh start as 'Levyn.'

It was sort of a sad piece for me to write, because I always felt sorry for Jowan in the game and I just made myself feel even _more_ sorry for him since he has to keep seeing the woman he loves with other men. I think he's made his peace with it by the end of the story, though. And I left the ending a bit open on purpose...

BioWare owns all the character except for Varia (including the ones who are mentioned but not named - see if you can pick them out). Certain lines from the Mage Origin and Arl of Redcliffe quest have also been borrowed from them.

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**Jowan's Heart**

"Jowan, why didn't we ever..."

I blinked at her when she said that, hardly believing my ears. She had simply let her voice trail off, but I had no problem filling in the empty space. So many times I had lain awake at night doing just that. I had nearly forgotten those vivid images I had conjured up of her in my dreams – her petite elven body against mine, my hands exploring the feminine contours while her long, slender fingers would trace a delicate pattern down my chest until her hand finally...

"Yes, why didn't you, Jowan?" I heard Lily asking next to me. I turned my head and saw her giving me a playful, teasing smile. "You're always talking about her."

Shit. I hadn't realized I talked about her so much. Did Lily suspect my true feelings toward her? I knew the next words had to sound convincing, so I turned back to Varia – beautiful, sweet, talented Varia – and feigned absolute shock and ignorance as I carefully uttered my next words.

"It never crossed my mind. You're like a _sister_ to me!" I told her. Then, without thinking, I added, "You don't... like _me_ as something more than a friend, do you?"

_Good one, Jowan. Way to play it off as if you've never actually considered taking her to bed._

"Well, maybe," came her answer after a short pause, and I was surprised yet again when I saw the slightest blush cross her cheeks. "A little."

Fuck.

Had she been dropping hints at some point, and I'd just been too dense to realize it? My mind began racing through the interactions we'd had with each other over the past thirteen years, since she had been brought to the circle by the First Enchanter, himself. I couldn't recall a single instance in which she had explicitly made her attraction toward me known, but now certain little things suddenly seemed to make sense: the way she always smiled when she said hello to me, that certain lilt to her voice when she called my name to get my attention, the way she'd always touch my arm as she said goodbye before we'd go our separate ways to our lessons, her insistence that we practice our spells together so that she could help me improve in my weaker areas – which also happened to be her strongest – the way she used to hesitate before going into the female apprentices' quarters after I walked her back after those lessons...

_Maker's breath, how could you have been so bloody blind?_

"I see," I said after a short pause, hoping that the shock I felt at her admission was still showing on my face and hadn't been replaced by the melancholy I now felt in my heart. "Why bring it up now, especially with... you know, things. And Lily. I... love her, and..."

_Stop talking, idiot. Just **stop**, before you end up blurting out that you've been in love with her for years and Lily decides to take revenge against you for breaking her heart by putting you to the brand herself._

"You know, I'm just going to drop this."

_Wise move. **Very** wise. Probably the smartest thing you've ever done, there._

I let Lily do the rest of the talking after that, and pretended to listen to her explain our plans for destroying my phylactery so I could get the hell out of Kinloch Tower and as far away from the templars as possible. The entire time, I kept stealing glances at Varia. I wondered if she had noticed my near-slip. I doubt she knew that I was aware of her relationship with Cullen. It had actually been that very relationship which had caused me to give up on her the previous year after three years of pining.

I had actually met Lily the very night I had caught her with her back up against a stack of books in the library and her hands grasping the templar's shoulders, his mouth devouring hers in a ravenous kiss. At first, I had thought he was trying to force himself on her and she was attempting to push him away but wasn't having any luck due to him being much larger and stronger than she was. But then he pulled away and I hear her utter the words that would continue echoing in my head every time I saw her for the next month.

"I love you, Cullen," she'd told him, smiling and reaching up to thread her fingers into his curly hair so she could pull his mouth back down to hers for another kiss. He had been far too happy to oblige, his arms wrapping around her body and pulling her closer to him. I thanked Andraste for making the templars' uniforms out of such damn heavy armor, knowing they'd never be able to get away with a quick tryst the way many of the other mages and apprentices often did.

"Jowan?"

I turned my head to look at Lily, then turned back to where Varia had been standing to find her gone. Apparently, I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't even register the end of the conversation or her departure.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked me, taking a step closer and taking one of my hands in hers. I forced a smile and brought the hand to my lips, kissing the backs of her fingers before releasing it.

"I'm just worried, that's all," I told her. It wasn't entirely a lie. I _was_ worried. Breaking into the phylactery chamber was no easy feat, after all. If we got caught, the three of us would be lucky if we weren't executed on the spot. I hated putting Varia in so much danger, but she was the only person I felt comfortable asking. I trusted her, even if she hadn't trusted me enough to confide in me about her affair with Cullen.

"I think I'm going to walk around for a bit, try to calm my nerves," I told Lily, giving her a quick kiss. "Besides, people might think it's suspicious if we're seen together skulking about in a secluded corner of the chapel."

Lily nodded in agreement, telling me that it was a good idea and that she would remain there, waiting for my return and Varia's. I left the chapel feeling very conflicted about my own emotions. I did love Lily. She was a sweet, vibrant, caring young woman. She didn't shy away from me just because I was a mage, either. A part of me began to wonder, though, if those feelings ran as deep as I had originally thought. I met her when I was vulnerable, right after my heart had been broken at the sight of the girl I secretly loved in the arms of a templar.

How the hell a _templar_, of all things, had managed to get her I would never know. Other mages had tried their charming smiles and smooth lines on her, but they had all failed. That chap from the Anderfels – the one who always kept escaping and being dragged back – had tried at least twice. But she had always turned them down with a polite smile. Had she been turning them all down because she was waiting for _me_ to make a move?

_Just stop thinking about it, Jowan. There's nothing you can do now._

Or was there?

She'd sounded regretful when she confessed that she had feelings for me. If she still felt that way, perhaps I could catch up to her and talk to her about it. Without Lily around, it wouldn't matter if I told her I loved her. If she loved me back, though, I wasn't sure what I'd do. I didn't want to hurt Lily, but I still needed her help to get into the phylactery chamber so I could destroy mine and ensure that the templars couldn't track me down after I escaped the tower and the Rite of Tranquility. I couldn't very well take Varia with me, though. Her phylactery had been sent to Denerim. Although... It would have just gone out, since she only had her Harrowing the previous night. There was a chance we could catch up with the convoy before the delivery was made and destroy it. That would involve fighting templars, though, and our odds of surviving would be bad... very bad. Even _with_ my blood magic.

I cringed upon remembering that I hadn't been so honest with Varia, after all. I'd been dabbling in blood magic for the past several months, knowing that she would likely be taken for her Harrowing at any given time. She was younger than me, had been at the Circle for a shorter span of time than I had, and yet she had always been three steps ahead of me in our lessons. Jealousy and a growing lack of self-confidence in my abilities had caused me to use magics that had long been outlawed by the Chantry in order to supplement my own casting abilities – and then I just went and lied right to Varia's face when she asked me if the rumors about me being a blood mage were true. She'd understand, though. She always understood. If I told her the truth and the reason why I had done it and promised to give it up, she would forgive my deception.

I heard her voice up ahead, floating to my ears like a nightingale's song on a warm spring breeze, and stopped in my tracks, thanking the Maker for my good fortune to find her before she could go back to our meeting place. I looked up to call out to her and my heart sank. She was talking to Cullen, playing coy with shy smiles and supposedly casual touches that I knew were far more intimate than they appeared. The templar was smiling back at her, blushing profusely, and I vaguely wondered for a moment what they were talking about before I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind. Then she leaned in close to him and said something before departing into the mages' quarters he had been guarding.

I noticed him looking about, making sure no one had witnessed the exchange between them. I was just about to walk up to him and let him know I had seen them – then use that bit of information to threaten him to stay the hell away from her – but he suddenly turned and followed after her.

I knew I should have just walked away. I should have just forgotten about Varia and gone back to Lily to wait. But I couldn't. Try as I might, I could not stop myself from walking over to that doorway and peeking inside to see exactly what the two of them were up to.

I wish I hadn't.

Cullen had Varia in his arms, and he was kissing her passionately. Maker, he was practically sucking her face off. Her own arms were wrapped around his neck to help raise herself up closer to his height, and she moaned softly as she returned the kiss just as fiercely. His hands roamed shamelessly up her sides, tracing the curves of her body, and I heard her make the most delicious whimpering sound as she pressed her body closer to his. So many times had I imagined myself being the one to coax those noises from her. Jealousy flared in me as I wondered if she had given her virginity to him. She was certainly acting like they were in an intimate relationship, the way she was so openly offering herself to him.

Cullen was the first to pull away, though his mouth still lingered near hers and he continued placing lighter kisses upon her lips while they both caught their breath.

"I'm so glad you didn't fail your Harrowing," he told her, his voice deep and husky with lust. "It would have killed me if I had to..."

He couldn't finish the sentence, but I knew what he had been about to say. If Varia had failed her Harrowing, one of the templars would have needed to execute her right there on the spot. Apparently, Cullen had been appointed the task. I almost felt sorry for the pain and worry he must have gone through while waiting to see what happened – almost. The whole jealousy thing trumped that a bit, though.

"Are you saying you have no faith in my abilities?" Varia asked him, laughing a little. Everyone in the damn tower knew she was the most skilled apprentice who had entered those front doors in years. She was Irving's apprentice, after all, and he never took them on any more.

"I was still scared," Cullen admitted, looking a bit ashamed for having doubted her. "It's a dangerous test. Even if you came out of it alive... Some mages are just never the same after what they see in there. I'm glad you're still my Varia."

"You haven't exactly made me 'yours,' just yet," she told him, moving closer to him once more and leaning up to nip at his jaw with her teeth. Cullen closed his eyes and groaned, and I felt a slight sense of relief with the knowledge that she was still _my_ Varia – innocent and pure, not sullied by his templar hands.

"I should go," Cullen said, pulling away from her. His voice sounded strained and I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my lips. It must be awfully uncomfortable to have an erection while wearing a full set of plate armor, after all.

He began walking toward the door and I quickly turned away and ran back down the hall, not wanting Varia to know I had been watching them. So I went back to the chapel and waited with Lily. She asked me if I felt better after my walk, and I lied and told her I did. It didn't even bother me how easily the lie formed on my lips. I'd been lying a lot lately to the people I cared about, after all.

Varia got the rod of fire, as Lily had requested, and we managed to break into the phylactery chamber and destroy my phylactery, like I wanted. But then, when we were leaving the lower chambers of the tower, we were met by Irving, Knight-Commander Greagoir, and a group of templars. I expected they had come after me, most likely to be taken away and made tranquil, but I hadn't expected the words that came out of Greagoir's mouth.

"And here's your lackey, who so efficiently delivered these miscreants into our hands. Your plan worked, after all."

My head snapped to the side and I looked at Varia. She was staring at her hands, which she had clasped together in front of her, and she couldn't meet my eyes. She had betrayed me. She had run to Irving and told him what we were doing, then pretended to help just so we could be caught red-handed.

"Varia?" I said her name quietly, still not wanting to believe that the sweet girl I had fallen in love with was capable of such treachery. She looked up at me, tears in her silver-grey eyes, and shook her head.

"I'm so sorry, Jowan."

I felt the rage boil inside me. She was _supposed_ to be my friend. It was that damn templar's influence on her. It had to be. She never would have done something like this before she met _him_. I opened my mouth, about to sell her out by exposing her dalliances with Cullen, when Greagoir's next words reached my ears.

"Take the initiate to The Aeonar."

"No... please, no." Lily begged behind me. "Not there!"

I snapped. Varia's betrayal of my heart and my friendship, the threat of being made tranquil, and the templars moving forward to take Lily away to the mages' prison caused my anger to boil over. No longer caring about anything but my own freedom, I pulled the dagger I had taken to carrying with me out of my robes and brought it down in a sharp arc across my forearm. I felt my blood flowing freely into the spell I threw at Irving and the templars, and they were all instantly knocked out cold and left sprawled out on the ground.

I rounded on Varia, unsure what I was about to do. I was angry, and the blood magic gave me power enough to kill her if I wanted to, but then I saw the look on her face. She was afraid of me, and mingled with that fear were her own feelings of betrayal. I had lied to her. I told her I had never done blood magic. I wanted to reach out for her, beg for her forgiveness, ask her to come with me and we could start over, make a life together somewhere far away from his mess.

But it was Lily I ended up saying the words to. Lily, who had been my light in the darkness when I lost Varia to Cullen. Lily, who denounced me and cursed me, casting me off just as my mother had when I first discovered I had magic as a child. Lily, who I now realized meant more to me than my own life. The realization had come too late, though, and in the end my own selfishness ended up robbing me of the peaceful life I wanted.

I fled from Kinloch Hold that day and didn't stop running for close to a week. My phylactery was destroyed, but the templars would still come after me. I moved mostly through heavily-wooded areas, avoiding the more highly-populated towns altogether. I stole food when I could from farms, or from market stalls on the occasions I dared to venture into town. It was on one of these rare trips into civilization that I was caught and taken to Denerim for the Grand Cleric to decide my fate. At this point, I was likely looking at death – but to me, death was merciful to the lesser option of tranquility.

I wasn't in prison long, though. Teryn Loghain Mac Tyr himself came and pulled me from my cell, saying he had an important mission for me. I was to go to Redcliffe, posing as a tutor for the arl's son – who had begun to show signs of being a mage – and poison the arl. The arl was a dangerous political threat, he said. Do this, and he would settle things with the Circle so I could return peacefully, he said. I believed him. I was a fool, yet again.

That was how I found myself locked in a cell in the dungeons of Redcliffe Castle. The arlessa had figured out that I was the one who poisoned her husband, and had me thrown down there. Then she sent some of the arl's men to torture me for information on the assassination attempt and the walking corpses that began assaulting the castle shortly thereafter. I didn't have the information they wanted, so they left me to rot. I thought I was going to die in that cell. It would have been a fitting end for a screw-up like me. Then, out of nowhere, she appeared.

I thought I would never see her again. I had heard that she was taken from the Circle by the Grey Warden who had been visiting at the time of her Harrowing. Then I heard the Grey Wardens were all killed at Ostagar, which later turned into 'all but two were killed at Ostagar.' I didn't dare hope she was one of those two. Yet there she was, standing before me, along with one of the Circle's senior enchanters, an elven rogue, and another bloody templar. He wasn't wearing their usual armor, but I had seen him cast a Holy Smite at one of the risen corpses which had been trying to break into my cell to do Maker-knows-what to me.

I should have been relieved to see her alive. I should have begged for her forgiveness for being stupid enough to use forbidden magic just because I was jealous that she was a better mage than I was. I should have asked her what happened between her and Cullen, because I noticed she no longer had on the necklace she began wearing all the time shortly after they started sneaking around together. I should have asked her if Lily was safe and if she completely hated me. But I didn't. I lashed out at her, instead. All of my anger, my frustration, my pain – every negative emotion inside me spewed forth in a series of words meant to hurt her and make her feel guilty for some perceived betrayal which had probably just been the result of a backfired attempt to ask a man she trusted for help for her best friend.

I knew I no longer deserved her friendship or her mercy, but she offered me both, anyway. After I told her everything I knew, she released me from the cell and told me to run. I knew it was guilt over how things had ended at the tower which made her free me, so I offered to stay and help however I could against the undead in the castle. She shook her head and looked at me, her eyes full of more regret than a girl her age should have.

"I don't want to see you again," she said. "Ever."

It wasn't a denouncement. She wasn't telling me to get the hell out of her life because she hated me and what I had become. It was a plea, from one friend to another, and I could hear loud and clear the underlying meaning of those words: _Go as far away as you can so the templars can't find you because I don't want to lose you for good._

So I ran, and I never expected to see her again.

And yet, here I am facing her once more.

She hasn't changed much in the six months since I last saw her. She still wears that yellow ribbon Irving gave her in her hair. She still favors a greenish-blue shade of makeup which makes her eyes look bluer. She still has those gorgeous, full lips I always dreamed of kissing, and they still turn up into a smile when she says my name – though the name she addresses me by this time isn't the one she's always known me by. It's a new name, one I gave myself when I decided to do some good in my life for once and help refugees get to the coast so they could board ship and sail away before the Blight could consume us all.

One thing that _has_ changed about her, though, is that she's no longer my pure, innocent Varia. That much is obvious by the way the templar – Alistair, she called him – looks at her, and the way he intimately places a hand low on the curve of her hip as he stands next to her while we're speaking. I have no idea why she seems so drawn to templars. Maybe she just likes a man in uniform.

Surprisingly, though, I have no feelings of jealousy toward this man. Maybe it's because I can tell he truly cares about her and loves her, just as she seems to care about him. He had thrown himself in front of her to block a charging attack from the bereskarn that had tried to go after the group of refugees I'm currently escorting, shielding her delicate elven body with his own larger frame. As soon as the fight was over, he had gone to her side to make sure she wasn't hurt, and she had fussed over a bite wound from one of the dire wolves we had all just battled. It is apparent that Alistair protects Varia, just as she protects him. I can't say whether Cullen would have ever done the same. Probably not, considering the rumors I have been hearing lately about him killing half a dozen mages in a fit of rage over the way things had turned out at the Circle after Uldred's attempted takeover. Maybe a part of me just instinctively knew Cullen was no good for her from the start.

Am I sad to see her with another man? Yes. But I am also happy, because _she_ is happy. I know her heart never could have truly belonged to me, even if she did consider taking our friendship a step father in the past. Her laughter, her smiles, her touches – they all belong to him, now, and he seems a good man. I know they won't be wasted like they were on Cullen, and I know I can leave her in his hands and not fear for her safety. He may be a templar, but I am willing to bet one-hundred sovereigns that he would never let another member of the order lay a hand on her.

For a moment after the fight was over, I had wondered if she would even allow me to go. At the very least, I had expected a stern talking-to for not having taken her advice and deciding instead to stick around in Ferelden, where I am still a wanted man. All she does is ask if my charges and I are all right... and she asks for my forgiveness.

Maker's breath, after everything I put _her_ through, she still feels the guilty party for what happened back at the tower. I look at her and see just how much this guilt has been weighing on her, and assure her that I forgave her long ago. I don't ask her forgiveness in return, though I want to. It was clear she forgave me when she told me to run from that dungeon, but it would be nice to hear the words from her lips. A part of me knows I don't deserve that, though. So I tell her my charges and I need to be on our way before we lose daylight and she wishes me luck before I turn and walk away.

I want to stop and turn around, to run back to her side and beg her to let me stay there, to be her best friend once more. I want to ask her to allow me to help her and her love fight the darkspawn and perhaps even become a Warden, myself. I know I can't, though. This is my life now, my penance for all the past mistakes I have made. I cannot let these people down simply because a woman I once loved – who a part of me probably always _will_ love – has come back into my life.

"Levyn!"

I don't turn around at first. I'm still getting used to being called that. It isn't until I feel her hand upon my arm that I stop walking and turn to look at her.

"Jowan," she says my name, and this time when she smiles at me I see tears in her eyes. She hesitates a moment, then throws her arms around me and hugs me tightly.

"Please be careful," she says quietly as I return her embrace, her voice only meant to be heard by my ears. "I know we've been through a lot recently, but you're still my best friend. I will always cherish you, and if anything happens to you it would break my heart."

They are the words I have longed to hear, albeit in a different context than I had once imagined. I don't mind that, though. Even if all we ever are or could be is just a pair of mages who grew up together and became the best of friends, I can live with that.

"And no more blood magic, as if I needed to remind you," she adds, causing me to laugh my first real laugh since I fled the tower. She doesn't need to tell me twice. I knew what a huge mistake _that_ had been the moment I saw her and Lily's faces.

"I promise," I tell her, pulling away slightly and kissing her cheek. I stand back and look at her, proud of everything that she has become, and silently thank the Maker for allowing me to have been a part of her life.

"Once this is all over, we should get together sometime," I say, attempting to lighten the mood a bit. "We could share war stories over a few pints."

Varia laughs, nods, and agrees to my offer. I know I can't really hope to ever see her again after this, though. Either the templars or the darkspawn will likely catch up to me and that will be the end of poor ol' Jowan. Still, I hope I _do_ get the chance to meet up with her and her beloved templar again someday. Perhaps then the three of us could all be friends.

Maker... Me being friends with a templar. Now _there's_ a thought I never imagined would ever cross my mind.

I'm reluctant to let her go, but I know I have to. We each have our own lives to attend to now. I know mine will be full of pain, suffering, and many hardships while hers will be filled with nothing but love, laughter, and friendship – after she's finished dealing with the Blight, at any rate. It would be nice to be a part of that life.

Perhaps someday, I will be.


End file.
